Entries Tagged as "Personal Growth"
Dealing with Loss…with Death
Posted by Jean Kummerow in Basics of Type , Learning , Personal Growth , Relationships on August 23, 2017
I just got the news…another friend has died. Patricia was an ENTP who
was raised in the foster care system in England. At one point, an ad
was put in the newspaper, “Difficult child needs academic home.” She
got one and became both a brilliant architect and a brilliant judge.
Yes, ENTPs do change jobs and careers more than any other type.
I’m
also in the midst of planning a memorial service for my Dad, an INTJ
who died at the age of 102 and who had the satisfaction of seeing many
of his ideas on nutrition finally accepted as correct. Yes, INTJs have
the longest future-orientation of the 16 types; he knew trans fats were
bad back in the 1950s and he hung on long enough for others, including
the FDA, to see that as well. (See my article, Lessons Learned from my INTJ Father.
You may also search for his name, Fred A. Kummerow, and read his
obituaries in the New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal
and Chicago Tribune.)
Synchronicity appears once again in my life
- I attended a conference recently in which one of the presentations
was on Grief and Loss. The presenter was Timothy S. Hartshorne, a
professor at Central Michigan University and a college classmate of mine
many years ago.
As he pointed out, “learning how to deal with
loss is what life is all about.” Our life is a series of losses, some
small (my doll broke) and some large (my Father died). You cannot
escape loss.
Tim continued:
- Grief is a journey
- Grief is individual
- Certain emotions predominate
- No one describes it the same way.
He pointed out that healing:
- Is a long-term process that culminates not as a return to a pre-grief state, but as a growth process
- Includes thinking of the person without pain but not without sadness
He adds: “Asking when mourning is finished is a little like asking how high “up” is – there is no answer.” *
If
you are in a work setting, think about how much time off a grieving
person needs and the level of support you can provide. Be aware that
the return to work may be difficult and check on what might be helpful.
Be aware that there may be questions related to meaning and motivation
at work.
With friends, the feeling may be of wondering if anyone
really understands what you are going through. And your friends may be
wondering what to say and not to say.
Many people feel awkward
about bringing up a death, being afraid to say the wrong thing or to
make the survivors sad. They are already sad.
Say something to
the person: bring it up. Share a memory, a story about the person. Ask
for a story. Tell what the person meant to you. Watch the non-verbal
signs - they will give you clues for how far to go. You are likely to
be forgiven even if you stumble.
However, please don’t say
things like, “It is better now that they are no longer suffering.” Or
“They are in a better place now.” “It’s part of God’s plan.” “Cheer
up.”
And with your partner or spouse, figure out how to support
one another. Be aware that there may be changes in the relationship.
How does one learn to cope with grief?
- You experience it
- You get support from others
- You tell your tale
- And you might go to therapy
Tim looks at each year of grieving in these terms:
- Year 1: A year of firsts and disbelief
- Year 2: A sinking in and coping with the reality of the loss
- Year 3: Getting used to it and good at it
- Year 4: Starting to move on
- Year 5: Healing over the wounds
Life goes on. I have been blessed with wonderful parents and
wonderful friends. I have lots of memories to sustain me. And I will
experience many more losses in my life, and hopefully get through them,
never expecting to get over them.
* From Worden,
William J. (2002) Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy; A handbook for
the mental health practitioner. Springer Pub.
Citizenship
Posted by Jean Kummerow in Basics of Type , Conflict , Personal Growth on August 3, 2017
Is looking at nationality and citizenship (synonyms in the
dictionary, by the way) the same as looking at a personality typological
system like the Myers-Briggs® theory?
When I used to teach the
MBTI® Certification course, we’d always search for real life examples of
typologies (versus traits). A typology is a category, like ESTJ (my
type) or INFP. Traits are distinguished by measuring how much you have
of a particular characteristic, such as dominance.
And then
there’s nationality and citizenship – a typology. Are you an American
or a Brit? Even though we all speak English, there are differences!
Perhaps some might argue that they are more American than another
American. Both people would be in the same category and the “more” or
“less” label is irrelevant. (And yes, I know there are dual citizens,
but bear with me, please)
In the present political climate, the issue of citizenship has come to the forefront.
Many
of us, including me, take citizenship for granted. We are born into
it. My Father was not – he was a German immigrant in 1923, but he was
awarded citizenship as a minor when his parents received their
citizenship papers.
I volunteer in an ESL (English as a Second
Language) class and occasionally the topic of citizenship comes up,
although that is not our focus. We often have discussions like this to
encourage the use of language.
Once we were talking about why
people volunteer and one student piped up, “because it makes you look
good for the citizenship process.”
Another time we were
discussing famous women in the world, including Susan B. Anthony. Those
who had recently taken the U.S. citizenship exam knew that she was an
early leader in the struggle to gain equality for women, including the
right to vote.
Recently some European friends of mine looked at
their citizenship status and decided to make some changes. Both were
British and both really liked and were proud of being part of Europe.
With the European Union, they could easily go between different
countries and work anywhere in Europe. They felt comfortable being
Europeans!
That feeling came crashing down the day after the
Brexit vote, when Great Britain voted to leave the European Union (EU).
Suddenly that comfort was gone.
Patricia held British and
Canadian citizenship papers, but she wanted to be part of the European
Union. She found a way to gain Irish citizenship which keeps her in the
EU.
Ki is a British citizen married to Guenther, a German
citizen and they have been together nearly 30 years. In fact, one of
their first dates was in Berlin the day the Berlin Wall came down in
November 1989.
Ki decided to apply for German citizenship; she
wanted to remain a European. She had lived in Germany for at least eight
years, she knew the German language, and she knew the German legal
system and society. This past Spring, she was awarded it.
Here is what Guenther wrote about this momentous occasion and I include this with their permission:
“Greetings from a truly European couple:
Against the dark background of both our parents’ countries' history I feel especially thankful that Ki, myself and our children have been privileged to enjoy more than SIXTY years of relative prosperity and peace in Central Europe.
And happy that our continuing love for each other has proven that there is a different way to hatred, division, war and bloodshed that our parents had to go through!!
Let us not take any of that for granted,
Let us fight to preserve what has been achieved,
Let us work for improvements where changes are needed.
Without destroying and betraying the ideals!!”
Perhaps the typology of citizenship is not what is important
here. What is important is the peace that is achieved when differences
are overcome. As I.F. Stone wrote, we look for “… the hope of someday
bringing about one world, in which men [and women] will enjoy the
differences of the human garden instead of killing each other over
them.”
The typology of personality type may help us understand what is in that garden and the importance of those differences.
My TED Talk
Posted by Jean Kummerow in Basics of Type , Careers , Learning , Personal Growth on March 30, 2017
Every once in a while, I am reminded that the advice for aging
gracefully includes the necessity of mixing it up, of doing things
differently, and of taking on risks and challenges. So I answered the
call, literally and figuratively, and agreed to do a TED Talk at my alma
mater, Grinnell College.
I thought it would be a good stretch
for me. And I thought it would be a way to expose a wider audience to
personality type. We’ll see about that one!! The YouTube video
does keep track of the number of people who have watch it, and I’m
going to try not to take it personally if my numbers are really low!
Five
alums were invited to give talks and I was 20 years older than the next
oldest one and 45 years older than the youngest ones. But they were a
real treat to get to know.
Another alum served as a coach; I
think her role also was as a “wrangler.” She was supposed to keep us on
track and rehearse us so that we’d be ready.
We were to write
and memorize a 15-18 minute talk and it was to be on the theme of “When
the Bubble Bursts.” One woman, a dancer, had her dream burst when she
suffered an Achilles heel injury. One man’s burst was when his wife
died of cancer, leaving him with two young children. You get the
picture.
I wasn’t wild about revealing an intimate bubble burst
to a wide audience and tried to back out of it. But the wrangler didn’t
let me out of it! What was my setback? You’ll just have to watch!
When
I give a presentation on the MBTI® framework, I prefer to have hours.
You can imagine my consternation at getting it down to 15 minutes. Will
my colleagues lambast me for simplifying the message? Can I do justice
to the concepts? You get to be the judge. And I did stretch it to 21
minutes.
I wrote up my ideas and began rehearsing them first
via telephone with the wrangler/coach and then in front of friends and
family. Everyone had constructive criticism that I really appreciated.
Each time I got to the part about my bubble bursting, there were fewer
tears and breaks in my voice. ESTJs especially don’t like to lose
control and I certainly did!
So I got to campus and met with the
coach in person. She had a few suggestions, but basically I was ready
to go. During dress rehearsal, it was apparent that I had really
prepared (a hallmark of ESTJs), but the others were still working on
theirs.
The actual taping was part of a four-hour program – we
had student emcees introducing the various segments that included
really, really good Ted talks on tape, interspersed with our live ones
(you be the judge). It was a relief to get it done!
There was a
big red circle on stage. We were to remain within that space. Somehow
the sound was difficult to regulate on mine and there’s a slight squawk
in the middle. It was much louder at the time but the tech wizards did
their thing to soften it.
It took three months for it to be
posted. Apparently it has to be technically enhanced, then sent to the
TED people who review it, and then they post it. TED talks began at a
1984 conference merging the concepts of technology (T), entertainment
(E) and design (D); they are “ideas worth spreading.”
When I got
word of the link, I was nervous. Could I bear to watch it? I hate to
make mistakes…will there be some? Whew -- I watched it and basically
felt okay.
I wished when we had rehearsed that I could have seen some of how it looked on the screen. On the tape,
I know I was squinting into the lights, so thought I looked a bit angry
or upset, when actually I was having fun by the time I was on stage. I
could have corrected that had I seen myself beforehand. Ah well…ever
critical (yes, another ESTJ characteristic!).
And now I have to
resist the temptation to see how many people view it and whether they
liked it or not. It is what it is. Another ESTJ challenge…letting go!
An Accident and its Aftermath
Posted by Jean Kummerow in Basics of Type , Learning , Personal Growth , Physical Health on February 7, 2017
I got the email late in the afternoon from Barbara, a woman in my
condo building. She was hit by a car while she was in the crosswalk
going to her yoga class, hit so hard that her shoes flew off. She was
badly injured (broken pelvis and knees, bruises, scrapes, etc., but no
concussion!).
Her message was straight forward describing the
event and what she knew then of her injuries. I asked permission to let
others in our building know and said I’d check with her later to figure
out what she needed.
Barbara is an ENFJ, always making life
better for others. It was her time to let others make life better for
her. And that was hard for her!
ENFJs are sociable souls who
usually know many people. Lots of friends were at the ready to help
her. But she was in a great deal of pain and really didn’t feel like
talking to people much. She carefully monitored her visitor list – that
was hard on her and hard on us!
After a week in the hospital, she
was anxious to get home. But given that she couldn’t walk, she needed a
daily shot to prevent blood clotting.
As an ESTJ, I love to
organize things. I quickly got the names of all medically trained
residents of our building and sent out an email asking if they could
help. Most of the physicians, by the way, admitted they learned how to
give shots into oranges in med school, but developed a different skill
set in their actual practices. But I found a nurse and a physician
ready to help out.
I saw this process as simply a matter of
organization. Barbara didn’t want to give herself shots and described
my finding people to do this for her as “lifting the dreaded
self-inoculation and worry that allowed me to focus on rehabilitation
and lower the level of physical pain and discomfort.” NFs are typically
able to focus on the broad picture and tune into their emotions. This
ST was simply focused on getting the job done!
Friends stepped
in to help with shopping, meal preparation, and rearranging furniture so
that it could work with a wheelchair. Barb with her NF view of
metaphors saw this as circling around her and cheering her on.
Barbara
religiously did her rehabilitation, including physical therapy; one
resident who had had a knee replacement told her exactly which halls in
our building were best to walk in! There was quite a pooling of
knowledge and tips! And Barbara is recovering well. She was good at
setting a schedule and sticking with it. She walked a month before the
doctors thought she would.
Once she had her physical recovery
underway she said she could then visualize “what ‘recovery’ looks and
feels like,” and next it was time for “an inner examination of the
trauma and its experience on me and on the people that matter.”
We
were all inspired by Barbara’s gratitude to enjoy each day and be
grateful to be alive. Stopping to enjoy the little things – a flower, a
view, a sunset – meant even more.
And Barbara decided this was a
good time for soul searching as well – what else was there for her to
do, to enjoy, to experience in life? She explained that “a crisis is a
terrible thing to waste” and she wasn’t about to let that happen.
She
used her ENFJ type to its fullest both for herself and those who know
her. She taught, she communicated, she grew, and so did we!
Memorials/Denkmals that work
Posted by Jean Kummerow in Basics of Type , Learning , Personal Growth , Spirituality , Travel on October 31, 2016
I’ve recently had the pleasure of traveling with a group of
international friends (an Australian couple, INTJ & ESTJ; a Dutch
woman ENTJ; and a German ESTJ with an ESFP British wife – the Brexit
discussion was lively); plus my American sweetie ENFP and me, an ESTJ.
Yes, we had some diversity!
In Berlin, we went to a number of
memorials (called Denkmal – denk means think and mal means time in
German) and then we compared our reactions.
A very effective
memorial for all of us was the Reichstag, now also functioning as the
Capitol. When its burnt shell was captured by the Russians in 1945, many
soldiers wrote their names and messages in Russian on the walls. A
recent renovation uncovered those and a guide tracked down as many of
the soldiers as possible and wrote a book about their lives.
The
French contributed a memorial to democracy in that building. They
looked for what made each elected Member of Parliament equal, and it was
the rectangular mailbox! They recreated hundreds of those mailboxes
stacking them up like in a post office and inscribed each with the name
of a democratically elected Member of Parliament up to the year 1938.
That included Hitler and Goebbels by the way! Their particular
mailboxes are often punched in by those visiting the memorial.
The
dome of the building has been resurrected in glass and offers stunning
views of Berlin and a history lesson as you walk up. You are reminded
of the past and how some things must never happen again and how others
need to happen again and again.
From the dome, you could see in
the distance the Holocaust memorial that looked like a Jewish cemetery
with its irregular stones of varying heights. However, upon actually
visiting that memorial…well it was disappointing for all of us.
It
is made up of granite, casket-sized and shaped rectangles of varying
heights, arrayed in a pattern reminiscent of farmer’s fields. While
there are small signs saying not to run as you walk between the
structures or to climb on them, many people ignored that. It became a
playground for so many – the antithesis of the events it is there to
memorialize.
Our group had many ideas of how to change it, such
as surround the area with glass walls topped by depictions of barbed
wire with only a few entry points. The names of the concentration camps
could be etched in the glass along with the numbers of people who
perished in each. The reverent and somber mood was not there and it
should have been!
We also went to the Jewish Museum in Berlin.
The entry to the museum is quite confusing unless one stops to really
pay attention. You begin by walking down stairs to a central hallway
with three angled halls going off from it. Each angled hall represents a
thread of Jewish experience – continuity, diaspora, or the holocaust.
The only one of us who fully appreciated it was the ENTJ, in part
because she was so well steeped in history and the facts, and in part
because she quickly understands symbolism. She could draw upon both
her Intuition and her Sensing. The rest of us missed it.
And we
went to the Berlin Wall Memorial. That one worked for all of us. This
Denkmal was blocks long at a place in the city where the actual border
cut across an apartment building, a church and a cemetery plus gardens
and streets. The stories of each and of the wall were laid out in
storyboards along with videos and interviews with people who lived it.
The names of those who had died while crossing were also included. Very
powerful. Even though there were large grassy fields that one could
play on, no one did. It was clearly recognized as a memorial and
treated as such.
For all of us, the memorials that worked
created a mood of reverence, the opportunity to go in-depth and learn
more intellectually about the events and simply to experience the pull
of raw emotions.
Have you experienced a memorial that worked for you? Why?